Sick to the stomach

That's the feeling all day. There's nothing physically wrong, just mentally, emotionally very wrong.

A weekend ago, I felt possessive. Yesterday I was angry. Slightly angry at me for being selfishly possessive, for putting hope in places where I shouldn't. Slightly angry at people for being so freely giving in their words and actions. Slightly angry at others for being, well, so different from me. And the slightlies add up to a non-slight.

Today I just feel like a failure. I think the purpose of a job, besides bringing in the money, is to feel useful, a sense of fulfillment. After all that's all you do all day. Better do a good job and be great at it. Today, I saw that the only experiment that I was doing this week failed. Think I need to re-evaluate the way I'm doing expts, to reduce failures and increase my utility. Half the time I think i'm just wasting reagents. Adding on to the list of failures, in lab and in life.

It's times like this that I re-read my blog. Visit past eras. Learn from experience. Look for inspiration. And there was this post on a ballet teacher. She was the one who made me want to dance again, who made me feel like it's ok to dance even though I suck. She made my summer in lab much more enjoyable. If I become a teacher one day, I want to be like her. Encouraging, caring, personal, inspiring, qualities that I wish to have. She was the one who said just tell yourself you can do it and you can. That's what I'm going to do now.

You know what? I'm going to repost everything i've quoted her for.
"Pretend you're confident."
"Think happy thoughts. Think of a day when things went better than expected."
"You can't always be nice and gentle in life. Sometimes you have to be strong and angry."
"If you can't remember any of those things, I have one more trick, just think of this: I am going to do it. It's simple but it works."

Humanities

Hum training is actually turning useful. I can't even describe how similar this proposal writing process is to Hum paper writing. I do the same things. Scribble on pieces of papers. Get consumed by the topic. Debate with myself endlessly whether what I'm arguing is logical/ significant. Talk to professors when I have something/ get stuck. Only difference is now I have to find my own evidence and topic. Can't just take quotes from 2 books.

Just came back from a weekend getaway from cells and ribosomes. A real holiday. Little work. Go out and play, stay home and contact, laze around, even read a bit of fiction. But I'm just as lost as ever. Can I? Should I? What do I want? Getting post-holiday blues. Maybe I can sleep it off. Sleep is another of my getaways. When you're asleep, you don't have to deal with anything.

Resolution for April: Less procrastination, more work. now.

Clogged sink

I feel like a clogged sink
Where people pour all their used ink
Red, purple, green and yellow
Hoping I can make a rainbow

I feel like a paper pillar
Where heavy weights are on my shoulder
Lift now, do not falter
Or you will be fed to the shredder

*I want to be free
Why won't you let me
I'm stuck in the middle
With things I want to say
With things that I can't say

I want to blast music so loud
That I can't hear myself shout
I want to leave here
Go far without fear

No more a clogged sink
No more of used ink
Escape from this boring stream
Go swim in the sea of dreams

Hear the song