Wednesday, 25 February 2004

Feeling great and naughty.. After emotional outthrow at Mr Khoo.. Haha. Guess really too many things happened these few days. Too much stuff stuck inside me.. So dumped some out at Mr Khoo. So sorry for him... haha

Anyway, hope that I wasn't too direct, too outspoken when I confronted him in front of the band. Hope I didn't totally embarrassed myself. Hope that I didn't embarrass him too much. But really, he deserved it. After all those breakdown in communication between the travel agency, teacher(s), exco and us, he really owed us an explanation and clarification of what really is going on. Where is our money going? The trip is in 3 weeks' time, guess what? The price has just been fixed, and airlines changed again. We have no confidence of what's going to happen in the next few weeks. Will the price inflate again for any reason? Will our itenary change drastically again? Will we be cheated of our money? We don't know. And we have no say in anything. Our actions can't make much of a difference. We can't say that we don't wish to go any more, can we? So all we can do is create trouble for those people stuck between the travel agency and us, that's basically Mr Khoo.

I'm so glad that Chris's mum called him last night and complained. We should have done that eons ago, and not wait as usual to the last second to take action. So, I'm impressed by his efficiency today and as usual, by his eloquency, his ability to convince everyone that there's no cause for worry.

Hope I haven't totally destructed my reputation in band and in mr khoo's mind and I'm really glad that there's no GP lesson tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to face him in class.. hee hee. Hope that I was voicing out concerns of the whole band, then maybe still got chance of redeeming myself..

Tuesday, 24 February 2004

"Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only for wallowing in."
~Katherine Mansfield
thought that she'll never ask.. thought this could finish without her knowing anything.. Haiz, she just asked me directly whether I know Mr Ho or not.. well, had to give a direct answer. So now my mum knows...

Think it's really fate. He fell into a 1.5m deep hole, that's not even as tall as me.. Moral of lesson, enjoy and treasure every waking moment, don't live a life with regrets. Can't imagine Maths tutorials without him. Yesterday's Maths S was so lousy, maybe it's just me being biased, but I couldn't help wishing that he was there talking to us instead of the Maths HOD.

One more thing I forgot yesterday, his poses by the board even when he didn't realise that he was posing.. His favourite seat on the teachers table, always sat there and shake legs while watching us struggle with his maths questions.. Gosh I miss him. Sorry, I promised to stop these stuff..

Monday, 23 February 2004

6am, Christine msged me: "eh... ho bee died... check newspaper". Thought she was joking.. I mean, people don't just die like that...
reached school, found that it was real. Mr Hodge gave a great speech, made me and half of my class cry.. It's just too sudden..
Bio prac, before cutting kidneys, we talked a bit abt how to get past this stage of sadness... ms lee wasn't too successful in that, i think.. anyway, it still seemed so unreal, so fake, like it was just a scam...

After school, went conference rm to write condolescences.. Someone, Bena, I think, passed this class photo that we took with him.. made me want to cry again.. So strange, someone whom was well and happy last week could just leave us like that. Saw this great photo of him framed up in the conference room. He had this wonderful expression, a sort of amused, happy, confident smile.. looking great in his jersey..

Went to the wake. The truth really really hit me only when I saw him, dressed up smartly in suit and tie, lying in that small roomless box, looking plasticy, waxy, really pale, with a wound on the head... Felt nauseus, not because of seeing a dead body, but because it's him.. someone I knew, looking, if I can say, larger than life. That was 4pm. What I noted down then, "I felt worse than I have been in ages.. Seeing him really hit me... There goes 1 strong life.. Just a blow on the head and he's in that box. Life is so fragile."

I was thinking about his family, about how bad they must have felt. When someone so close to them left so unexpectantly. Wanted to cry again. Was thinking of the millions of people who leave the world every day. How many more millions more of family members, friends will be mourning, feeling sad, devastated, hopeless every day. What about when there's a natural disaster? Like the earthquake yesterday? Or war? Like the Iraq war? How many people will be hit so badly physically or emotionally?
Moral of the story.. we must move on.. We can't stay here forever. I made a promise to myself, I'm going to sort out everything today and live life normally again tomorrow.

Was recalling all the moments with him. Oh btw, for those who don't know, Mr Ho is my Maths teacher. Can't bear to use past tense.

1. His always smiling face
2. his soft babyish hair
3. shuai ge!
4. his bluish greenish shirt
5. his beautiful handwriting
6. left hander
7. sporty tracker
8. big beautiful eyes
9. Ho Bee
10. nice soft way of teaching, but achieving great results, of producing top class in the level
11. his marvellous science class (so3f) and arts class (a03b)
12. the way we bullied him, always forgot to bring tys, always late for his lessons
13. the way he runs his tutorials, going through only those difficult questions
14. his quizzes, which no one can solve
15. gambling lesson(s)
16. i've always loved him, think he's one of the best tutors around...
17. the way he came into class last year with chalk all over him, created by the arts class
18. the strong, friendly, always positive guy

I was so looking forward to seeing him today during maths s. The first time i'll be seeing him in lecture, but... well, i guess there won't be such a case. At least he left while doing something he really enjoyed doing.

Mr Ho, thank you for being such a great teacher, such a great role model for me. I thank you with all my heart. Also sorry for all those times when I disappointed you. I'll always remember you. RIP..

Thank you to all other teachers today too. Thank you all for being so understanding, of knowing when to come and when not, of when we needed space and when we needed company. Thank you.

Thursday, 19 February 2004

a feeling that is not stress, or overwhelm, or tiredness, but maybe heck-care, got-a-lot-of-stuff-to-do-but-don't-feel-like-doing kind of feeling... so every day i'm complaining that i'm so busy busy, while i slack most of my free time away. Well, not slack, but not doing anything productive either. Jialing says that i should start doing work in the evenings, but just don't feel like doing anything after dinner.. That's just me..

I think I'm ultra irritating. That's why got nobody around me except for the as people. Sat at the wrong place today during civics breakfast, got labelled as mei you gong de xin.. oops, sorry ee sang. Then think I talk too much, disturb people around me... So obvious that hk had so much less fun doing physics prac with me instead of xh behind him. Haiz.. What else? Oh yeah, cannot forget this.. Today Christelle wanted to borrow an integration assignment to can kao, then bao gave her mine and she rejected it immediately!! Aaargh, nobody wants my tutorials any more! They think it's too abstract, too many skipped steps.. Aargh! and eve was just happily laughing away. Hahaha while I was protesting and trying to clear myself.

Anyway, bao and xh and christine think that I'm super AP, though I don't see what I've done that's different from the rest of the term.. OK, I haven't been very nice to evryone, and I know that. I told myself that it's because this is a truly hectic term, but I know that's just a dumb excuse.

Really worried about the ireland trip, or rather, the europe trip. It's in a month's time. I'm totally unprepared. The band act like we've got all the time in the world. With my overflowing schedule, I doubt I can even spare the time to prepare anything at all for the trip. Was just telling everyone that I won't have time to study for chem test next week, won't have time to finish tutorials, and it will be a disaster if my name is listed for maths s next week. Gosh, I'm in a mess.

Saturday, 14 February 2004

it's strange how some people are just more likeable than others, eve is just so much more loveable than some other members of the as group.. and how good it feels to be a part of someone's life, when people actually puts my name in their blog.. thanks telle and eve for making my day again..

a bit of something about the AS club, lifted from a member's blog
" the AS club is the epitome of communal living- someone collects everyone's test tubes/TYS/coldwear/utensils "
in case that's too chim, it just means that we are some sort of communistic group, where we do everything in bulk, go to communal locker, take out everything everyone needs and stuff like that.. haha, quite an interesting observation about us.

found the perfect music for my blog, michi (dao4) by matsuda, but still finding ways to save it, anyway, it'll be too large to use as background music, maybe one day I'll record it and put it here. Love Matsuda's music, so thought provoking, he thinks so much before he writes. btw, here's the site for the music . All electone music.

Anyway, went for organ today. He's really good, not just in playing but in being a teacher too. He knows how to deal with people like me. Let me quote, "...not happy with your follow up... must take this seriously... will appreciate if you write down what you play nxt week..." That's what I remembered anyway. Last time he talked like that, I really made an effort to improve. Smart guy, know how to make me guilty. But it's true, I also don't think I'm taking impro seriously enough.. Got the whole idea wrong somewhere down the learning process, beginning to think that impro is supposed to be a 1 wk go home and think kind of thing while it's supposed to be a 5 min thinking time thing. So time to change mindset and really start making music again.

Tuesday, 10 February 2004

did a blog surf, quite interesting. inspired me to blog

heard jialing's long story today on the way back fr chem, found myself rather helpless, don't know what to say, don't know what to do. Whatever she did were things which i will nv do, esp since i'll think that it's none of my business as i'm not the sl, but she took the trouble to think, to act, to persuade. Even though she might not have done it in the best way possible, he should at least ti liang her xin si and settle this prob and not let it hanging there. Or maybe it's just me hearing a one-sided story. Whatever it is, I wouldn't have bothered to trouble myself over this kind of probs, that's prob why my section will fall apart without coorperative juniors

Teachers have a huge influence on my life. When a teacher is good, I'm really inspired to do well and study that topic properly. When a teacher doesn't teach properly, or isn't good in other aspects, i get quite pissed off and lose almost all respect for them. Quite bad of me, but well teachers are supposed to influence, aren't they?
Anyway, the thing about my CT and the RP, or specifically, those 3-4 people, really bothers me. Can tell what kind of diff testimonials we'll get at the end of the yr. That's probably the reason why I feel closer to Alfie than to her, as if Alfie is my CT instead of her. Yeah, it's true that he's funnier and maybe more interactive and I like the subject a bit more, but I really feel that she's rather unapproachable. Not that she's a big monster and I don't dare to approach her, but that she won't take me seriously even if i do. Not a great feeling. Rather rejected. But there's nothing i can do. Last yr, there was at least an apple to pull us/my grp back up, this yr, as i've said in the class blog, the RP and the AS are so distant, there's no way her opinion's gonna change. The worst thing is that she does it so obviously. How often can someone's phone ring in class and the someone can just ans it right in front of the CT? Her apple-ism is too obvious. Well, it's human nature to like some people better than others. I do that too. But she just doesn't have to be THAT obvious, or shld i say, as a role model, she should try her best not to do it.

oops, I think I've said too much bad things abt her. Actually she's quite nice towards the class as a whole. And she's not against me or anything. Just some opinions of mine and other members of the non-RP.

Saturday, 7 February 2004

family is not in the best condition ever, mom's really upset over her work and dad's really stressed trying to make a living and i'm so busy with my own life that i can't help them.. doesn't help that i'll waste another $2000++ on ireland and another $2000+ on organ this yr. Although they say it's no prob that i go, it's obvious that we need to be more thrifty and save more, especially when the family's income is hanging by an ultra-thin thread ---

I find myself an ultra boring person, so do a lot of people, like the GM food people, my section and people like jinxun who i talk to once in a bluer moon. Don't see the point in life, to pursue happiness? What is happiness? This is too GP for me. When I'm in sch, I long to go home, I dream about my organ playings. When I'm at home doing nothing, I long to go out/ sch or rather anywhere but stay at home cos at least there'll be something exciting/ interesting to do or interesting people to be with.

What in the world do I live for? So far the answer has been auspicium melioris aevi, hope for a better future. This phrase isn't supposed to be used this way, but nvm, what i mean is that I live for my dreams.. daydream of sleeping, night dream of doing things when I'm awake.
Otherwise i live for music, can't survive without music. Put in a bad way I'm addicted to it like it's a drug. Put in a nice way, I worship it like it's God. Probably a bit extreme, but quite close to what I'm feeling. Totally hooked. It's the best stress reliever of the day, swings moods so easily, feel so relaxed yet so concentrated when playing. Too bad I'm not any good at playing organ or expressing my feelings through notes.. Gosh, I'm seriously addicted. And he just tempted me to sink in even more today by talking about planning concerts. gosh...

Thursday, 5 February 2004

mm, hope hong king and christelle don't discover my blog.. actually it'll be quite interesting if they do, my dear pw mates.. haha

talking to jinxun yesterday, felt quite sad/guilty after that.. sad cos like i don't have any real good friends in band that i buy presents for for their birthdays, guilty cos even though i'm quite close to some of them, i also nv buy presents..

from my friend's blog, used without her permission =) gives an idea of what rj life is to some people, not that i share her view completely..

"school's a pain, you know, it really really really is. in j1, at least there were things that i could look forward to when i went to school- be it seeing my sec school friends in the concourse and getting that fuzzy feeling from time to time, or lighthearted entertainment during breaks, or even handball pe! looking back, these were prob wat kept me going for the rest of the yr, for they broke the humdrum of school life. perhaps it's a lil too quick to draw conclusions from just barely three weeks into j2. but somehow or other, school has morphed (for me) into nothing more than an academic institution, i've started to adopt the attitude that i'll just get my A level education there and be done with rjc. since u barely see sec school friends, and entertainment has been curtailed, plus muscle-ache inducing pe isn't exactly my idea of fun, i can no longer look to these external stimulus to spur me on. motivation can only come now frm within, if only i can find that little spark left in me to pull through j2. now i know, this is what you call a true test of mental willpower. you motivate yourself, you muster all that inner strength yourself.. "

Sunday, 1 February 2004

been in a pissed mood most of the day. don't think it's the hormones..

I tend to be really irritable when i'm stressed or frustrated, will explode at the slightest provocation. And there are quite a lot of disturbances today as my mum tried to get Yahoo! messenger working.. so i snapped at her, what's new, right? There goes my new yr's resolution of not getting angry at my parents..

I'm scared of my temper, scared that I might explode at my friends and regret badly after that. Potential victims of my temper: my parents, mr tan, bao, qq... not really because they piss me off, but that they are around me at the wrong time.. Sorry if you are in the list. Scared of the Ireland trip if we really go, rooming with the same 3 people for a week under tight schedule, cold weather, competition stress can really tear me and my friends apart.. like what happened in the last sch trip, when I changed my group of friends permanently..

I will control my anger/ pissness.