一滴眼泪

Apr 15
Applied: 9
Accepted: 4
Rejected: 3
Gave up: 2

It's the day where u know for sure u didn't get in. Where an impt decision that affects ur career is made. When u have a clearer inkling of what life's like for the next 5++ years.

I hate how everything's so transient in our life. It's 3 years somewhere, a year somewhere else, another 5 years somewhere different, and back. The only good thing is prob that if you get tired of a place, u can see an end to it.

Peiling claims that there's sadness in my laughs. Is that possible? I'm an inherently sad person?

Instincts were right. The female spidey sense picked it up. Either I didn't want to listen to spidey or I was genuinely confused. Irritatingly confusing. A phrase that's catchy enough to make a song.
2 days to get over it.
Not fighting it.
Then life goes on and i can continue being idiotic/ moronic.

xh thinks i'm "happy, cool and weird"
same to u xh, especially the weird part

I nv knew that andrea's a quarter indian.. cool

leukocyte

Had some really good conversations this week with friends. Maybe i'm not so hopeless at 2 people convos after all.

feelings or logic? present or future? yes or no?

Being as escapist as I am, I'd rather live in a good dream than wake up and face the reality. Even though the reality could be as good or even better than the dream. I'm not too satisfied with how things are, but am I ready to shape it? Nietzsche wouldn't approve of my inactions, nor would Schopenhauer. This makes me realize that I've pretty much forgotten everything about them. I should stick categorical imperatives on my wallpaper or sth.

I can live with categorical imperatives. In fact, I want to. They're logical. Well, logic was everything to these philosophers. There are reasons these guys cite for coming to such conclusions. They're not the result of some myth where something did sth wrong and was condemned by higher beings forever. I pick philosophy any day.

I'll probably go UCSF. It's not Apr 15 yet but I'm pretty sure of it.

Earth hour tonight. Get off electricity for a while.

Musicophilia

Bought Musicophilia to read on long transcontinental flights.. It's rather entertaining, got me interested in musical perception again.

I've always wondered, how would you know that what you're seeing/ hearing is the same as everyone else? Is there an absolute colour? Is what I perceive as red the same colour as what you consider red? A baby doesn't know an apple is red until someone tells him that it's red. Could the apple be triggering blue light receptors instead in the baby's eyes? And if so, will the baby grow up seeing things completely different from others but not knowing so? Everything red will be blue to him, but he would call it red and believe it to be red because that's what he's been taught. Are we all seeing colours differently?

Protect ur ears. People hear all sorts of weird things when their ears are damaged/ when they go partially deaf..

Have been addicted to music lately.. addicted and affected. THere are songs that make me happy and songs that melt me.. And horrible tuneless hip hop songs. Wonder what causes these reactions. when can i write a melty song?

Hello from LA

Yay for free wi-fi. I'm trying not to fall asleep by being online.

I can't help considering cancelling my UK trip. Traveling is tired, and boring. And i wonder if I'm wasting my time and energy going there. Will see how.

Sat next to this Singaporean who's a tour guide in Japan on my way to Narita. Makes me want to be a tour guide again. Also want to visit Japan. Some day.

The trick is to write the song when I'm feeling it. It helps take the feeling away, and also I'll get a good song. So far I have loads of feelings and zero songs. Let's see if the alien song materializes before the end of the trip.

Ok. going for lunch.

science

It’s always at periods like this when I have to prepare for an interview or write a personal statement that I think of why it is that I’m doing science. Science shouldn’t be about gathering enough data to publish. Publishing should be a by-product of the bigger aim to do good and save the world. We put that in our presentations, papers, oh my work is going to cure cancer and save the world. How many of us really believe that what we’re doing is significant, in the grand view of things? I know that I’ve forgotten that my goal is more than getting a paper out.

Of course I’m just being idealistic. Science, like every other thing in this capitalist world, is about convincing people to give you money for something you have. And to get money, you have to rush for papers. The world’s going to end soon. Save it while we can.

So I've been using the word 'so' too much. It appeared in almost every sentence in my presentation. I've been in a very tensed state for the past, let's see, a week or so. No idea why. Just uptight, highstrung, ready to explode. Bunny was going to diagnose me with anorexia cos I'm not eating much, though it's not like she eats much more than I do. I was thinking that if this goes on, I'll probably die of hypertension before 3 weeks are over.. But it stopped, thankfully. I still have no idea what the cause of stress is. Whatever, I'm tired.

song that's stuck in my head.. among others:
"love love love love love, love love, makes the world go round"
it's from powerpuff. i should watch powerpuff again some time. kindergarten kids are cute.

deja vu

All the highs of the recent weeks/ months have been musical. Others have been talking of their scientific epiphanies, intellectual highs. Nope, none for me. The only resemblence might be my realization that my drug plate was screwed up in a simpler way, and hence my project isn't as hopeless as it seems.

Anyway, music. 2 concerts in Dec, our band with no name and Coda. Practices are many, took up 4 days out of 7 for the past 2 weeks. And I actually look forward to them after a day of unproductive work. How wonderful. The band with no name gave its inaugural concert this week. The music was good, we had 2 original songs, the audience was a lot of fun and we still badly need a name. I'm already waiting for the next show to happen. Coda, they've agreed to mic me. Yay. Now I just need to improvise something decent, to walk a rather crooked line. Working on it.

Concert

Watched my first concert since I came back. Andoh's 3rd time in Singapore, promoting Mindscape 4 and STAGEA. I want to be back in the circle. It's some amazing music that he's creating. Concerts like these are always tacky, attracting attention using flashy lights, lively drumbeats, even catchy tunes. But there's no doubt that his composition and playing are good. And I like his playing style better now than before. It looks much less EF-like and more professional.
Many many thanks to the Internet, I managed to find some tracks from his CDs, and they melt me. I'm a liquid now.

Digital zebrafish embryo

This is way too cool. It's like what people did with the worm, but with colours and cool graphics.

Was called "a parrot on the keyboard". Don't know to take it as a compliment or no. Come to think of it, parrots and pirates are very alike. Parrots copy others. Modern pirates copy other people's work. Pirate, parrot, parrot, pirate. I wonder if they have the same etymology...

"Being in a relationship is not about finding a match but working through the differences." That came from the least likely of people. It made me wonder why I didn't think of that before.

Human electricity

I've been thinking seriously about generating electricity using student
(and faculty) muscle power. Our kids spend hours in the exercise rooms pushing,
pulling, pedaling, lifting, running on a belt, etc. Why shouldn't all of these
machines generate electricity for the University? I bet it would be substantial.
They could start by powering the gym, and then see what's left over for other
purposes. It might also be useful to teach them the value of the electricity we
waste!

Along these lines, I've hired two UG students to make stationary bike
electric generators from old used broken bikes. They will be starting soon. It
can be done with a battery, or better still, without one, so people at home can
just connect their generator-bike to an appliance they want to use. Then there's
no pollution from batteries!

I think there's great promise: everyone will want to BENEFIT (besides making muscle) from all the exercise they do! And no one will mind being used to generate energy if they are building their muscle AND helping the world solve its second most important problem!!!
What do you think?

~ From a certain professor of mine

You are a _____ biologist!

"In the pages that follow you will meet 3 kinds of scientist. The first is a molecular biologist, muttering about enzymes and exonucleolytic degradation. He wants to know what happens to th eDNA of which genes are made. His conviction is that sex is all about repairing DNA or some such molecular engineering. He does not understand equations, but he loves long words, usually ones he and his colleagues have invented.

The second is a geneticist, all mutations and Mendelism. He will be obsessed with describing what happens to genes during sex. He will demand experiments, such as depriving organisms of sex for many generations to see what happens. Unless you stop him he will start writing equations and talking of 'linkage disequilibria'.

The third is an ecologist, all parasites and polyploidy. He loves comparative evidence: which species has sex and which does not. He knows a plethora of extraneous facts about the arctic and the tropics. His thinking is a little less rigorous than others', his language a little more colorful. His natural habitat is the graph, his occupation the computer simulation."
~ "The Red Queen - Sex & the Evolution of Human Nature" Matt Ridley

What kind of biologist are you? This could be one of those personality tests you find on websites. Evolution doesn't seem such a dull and unimportant topic after reading this book. Thanks to sy who's now probably having fun in some lovely part of the world.

On another note, life's best when there are constant little goals that takes effort to achieve but are totally do-able. The little goals can all lead to a big huge goal or they can be just little goals in all kinds of directions. It's when there are no goals or unattainable goals when life gets boring and hopeless. The big low after the high of a difficult mission accomplished is the low of hopelessness and despondency. You'll have to find a new Personal Legend when you've attained one to stay happy.

Went for a 3f class outing which had a fantastic turnout. More than half the class + 2 teachers.. wow. Yup RJ was the anomaly. It's a conglomeration of many many intelligent people in a school, in a class. It's where I was wow-ed by classmates and teachers' zai-ness. That was harder to find in uni, maybe cos there was less interaction with classmates than there was in JC, we definitely don't borrow each other's tutorials or essays in uni.. But maybe it's really because the inspiring people are not concentrated in a class any more, you have to look to find them. No one takes the exact same classes with you any more and there really isn't anyone who can say something amazing to link your chem class to that genetics class..

Anyway, had a farewell "party" just now for a RA. Gosh, it was more of a meeting than a party. In the meeting room, there's food, but everyone just keeps quiet and eats. The problems of having too many chinese people. Once the PI leaves, the noise level goes up immediately. It's ridiculous.

The style of this lab is so different. It's supported by RAs, not postdocs. It's like a company, when 1 product is doing well, everyone invests energy into that product to speed its improvement and production. It's supposed to promote group work and speed and reduce fighting within the lab for projects. Does it work? I don't know.

Taking GRE tomorrow. I read through my GP notebook. There are actually some substance in there. We actually talked about Engels and John Mill and stuff like existentialism. I have no recollections of those. Probably just took them to be names of old famous guys whom I don't know the significance of. And I looked at my Hum summaries. There are names of people that I have no clue what they did. Who was Schlegel? Or Novalis? Seriously, what was I doing when I read those people's works?

Went out with the UCSD people yesterday. A friend at work was surprised to hear that there are actually 10 people from UCSD here in singapore.. Saw a really sweet couple, I really didn't expect that. =)

Had great dinner conversations again. It's been a while since I've heard these people put up passionate statements against each other's statements. And it's surprising how A knows B's friend who knows that their mutual friend Z is getting married and other mutual friend omega is already married. There really isn't that many people that we come into contact with in Singapore. Everyone knows everyone.

I'm afraid of commitments, afraid to put down decisions that I might not like later. I'm all for no bondage trials. If things don't work out.. well, free return, exchange, refund. But life's not like that, is it? Most stores aren't willing to give returns or refunds. It's an American concept. The freedom and willingness to try. There is a problem with the word attached. It's a trial. It's not an attachment. There shouldn't be an obligation to be magnetically bound.

Heard loads of stories about my work place since I've started. Saw this secret manual on what kind of place to choose to work. Hahaha. I should stop going wherever people reply emails the fastest.

I think I'll live.

My weird music

Away from noise
-- a sound narrative
http://www.box.net/shared/oqk9ip4n44

Ballie
-- a cute sonic creature
http://www.box.net/shared/t836s9okks

Amoeba song
-- this is just weird.. It's made mainly from sounds recorded in my lab (as in bio lab), and water sounds
http://www.box.net/shared/79cifk4cg0

Back in sunny Singapore

I've been back and learning how to live in this country again. Learn to remember to bring umbrella and water and tissue around, learn to say 'queue' and 'petrol' again, learn to type messages with 2 fingers again, I even have to relearn crossing roads. Went kbox the other day and the guy asked us if we were local. I didn't know how to answer that. Do we look that foreign?
We've been taking different paths for 3 yrs.. to get the roads to converge again is not easy. There's this cute phd comic about being a foreign student. Here it is:



We didn't have to go through 2 and 3 and i'm no where near the over qualified part but the rest is pretty accurate.

Well life is never easy. Beneath every gracefully swimming swan/ duck/ goose, there are feet madly pedalling away to keep the bird moving. Start kicking.

End of Spring

Woosh...

Great classes this quarter. Though my attention in classes has been dropping steadily since freshman year. Cancer's enlightening, though I'm not sure I want to study it. In any case, I just accepted a cancer lab, with a Chinese boss.. we'll see how it goes.
Neuro-immunology. It's been a better class than I thought. Some papers were pretty interesting. And I definitely know more about the brain or immunology than before.
Lab. Got most of my little data in a week. Everything else is either cloning or waiting or frustrating over what went wrong. Poster's pretty.

Logic. Skipped most of the classes but it's been fun translating English into symbols and proving things and looking for fallacies. It's like math without the numbers.
Dance. Learnt to appreciate yoga a bit. Visited the museum of contemporary arts. Should have gone there more often. Again, wasn't totally into it this quarter. Senioritis. Maybe I would have appreciated ballet better. I guess I'm too concerned over techniques and too unconcerned with performance. Show.

Psychoacoustics. Read a bunch of crap. Learnt stuff that are of little interest to any non-musician/ non-psychologist. But I am interested. Conducted an experiment on chord perception and concluded that people distinguish chords by listening to the chord colour. A major chord sounds different from a minor chord. A chord not in the scale of C sounds different from C but chord F kind of sound like chord C. Maybe it's because of the relations of chords in the 5ths space, otherwise known as the circle of fifths. Musical training helps a bit in distinguishing chord changes, just a bit.
Mixing & Editing. How interesting. Made 3 pieces. They don't sound fantastic but I've got good grades on them. Once again shows how little they value artistic value and how much they value fairness and meeting the requirements. My pieces always use some sleight of hand trick to trigger laughter. Really shouldn't. First piece had a comical content, 2nd had an unexpected dance, 3rd was just plain lame. I'll post my pieces some time some where when I find a place to host music.

If there are any classes that I wish I took in UCSD, they're music classes. I want to learn recording techniques and maybe actually learn enough math to understand waves and FFTs.

To do: Make real amoeba music.. with music, not water
Arrange Cascada

There.. I've put them on my list. I'd better do them.

I still don't know if my decision was right. The grass is ALwaYs, without fail, greener, where you are not standing on. I feel like I'm just avoiding myself. What an idiot. If it were someone else, I would think that she's chalking up statistics. But it's me and I don't know what I'm doing. We'll see what happens in a year..

Poster presentation went fine. I did a better job than I thought I could. People visiting my poster seemed like they weren't bored and they were following what I said. My data is ugly, nothing to say about that, but I seemed to manage to draw some crappy conclusion and not get stones thrown on me too much. Only Colin and this lady seriously questioned my data. People were generally supportive.. Alessia is worth quoting. She said "after it's all over, you forget how hard you worked." (and all the other crap that happened in between). It's been fun. I'm surprised at how few people do a 196: 17 out of the hundreds of graduating bio majors? And I'm surprised at how many of them I know. Rick was right about the grapes analogy, you grab one, you grab the whole bunch. A pic of the poster is up on my logblog. Link's on the sidebar.

Terry gave a strange speech yesterday about graduating into the world. I don't know why she gave that speech but it was insightful. It was basically about finding your own style in dealing with uncertainties. There're always going to be uncertainties, and when they come, would you sit and cry? She's a real hippie, so she says we should go sit somewhere in the mountains, by the river or at the beach, somewhere away from noise, and listen to ourselves. What do I want? And write, journal everything.. It's supposed to help find a style to deal with uncertainties. So I'm blogging.

It's no time to get sentimental but I'm surprised at how much I'm affected. Maybe I'm not such a cold heartless idiot. I'm sorry, I'm sad, I'm glad, I'm unsure, I'm confused. Most of all, I don't know what I want. I need that place to go talk to myself. I want to be a Dicty, life's easy, just follow the crowd..