"Trust your own instincts. Don't listen to what other people says."
Can I trust myself? What right do I have to trust myself? There are plenty more authority out there..

"Don't be disenchanted. Don't give up."

好想放弃。为什么想出一个像样的thesis对我来说这么难？One of the few times this school year when I'm really stressed. 好想好想不想它，不写算了。But that's not an option.
Total blank. Every time something seems to come up, it either doesn't work or vapourises before I grab hold and make something out of it. Previous essays didn't feel this bad. Same thing happens in class, I say something and I have nothing to back it up.. Talking to Prof Lee is not helping, I already know what he'll say in most cases.. and I don't know my problems well enough to ask questions, and not that he can provide a solution..
Just told my mom to hang up the phone and not talk to me tonight.. symptom of stress
Comparatively, genetics is much easier..
I'm going to sleep

Some really old video on Singapore, look at the buildings in the city hall area
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5325325268119529441&time=1830000

Read the blogs of reporters. Nice photos, some pieces of great writings..
http://mypaper.sg

2 pages of comments.. wow.
"This is perhaps the most mechanical/ robotic/ stiff/ unrevealing essay that you have written during the past 2 quarters"
"you seem to be going through a mini-slump"
shit

This is hum, not science, don't apply formulae, they don't work.. Mechanical, robotic, sticking to a formula.. what am I doing? But why can't I think of something worth talking about at all this quarter? How to get out of this slush??

On a separate note, quoting Geoff
"When you're onstage and the audience is all quiet and the cellos and basses start a piece with a soli, it's very scary." True, I've never played a piece where the soli lasted more than 2 bars.. actually I have, but it's simple things like Stand By Me or Canon. Here it's 16 bars of sleazy melody with glisses everywhere without anything else entering. Good luck to us.

"America is one of the most religious countries in the world but it is also one of the most insistent on keeping government and religion separate" ~ Dr Parrish quoting someone else, Tocqueville, I think. It's a conflict that's always going to be present. I realised how difficult it is for the leaders to decide that they would separate church and state, considering that religion has been such an important part of everyone's life. Most if not all of the Ivies are founded to train clergymen, each one associated with a particular religious domination, and that's funded by the government.

Loads of work to do.. work work work

This term is flashing past.. I haven't even felt settled yet and here I am, deciding on what to take next quarter.. I'm turning into a control freak, of my own life that is, but it's impossible to control all the variables. Reading Augustine. I like this book a lot. Making me evaluate my preassumptions and let me try to pinpoint at what stage of this quest for Truth I am, and if I'm moving towards the right direction. (I'm not saying what Augustine thinks is right is right for me.) I'll discuss this another day..

Sifting through my old emails, deleted 50 emails today, clear up some space. Don't know why I'm wasting time doing this but I found this
http://shareheaven.org/media/heaven_640_250k.html
Sent to me from Steve, my ex-PI. Never watched it till now. I find it rather hilarious, but what right do I have to comment on such things? nvm.

My MP3 player is gone. Really gone. Whoever wants a player that displays everything in Chinese and doesn't even have batteries or headphones? Return it to me.. I still want it.. And if you do happen to have it and don't want to return to me, at least delete my essays in it..

Things to figure out:
1. should i switch lab
2. and that will determine what classes i should take in fall
3. should i continue/ start on this music minor at all
4. I don't think I should list everything here

Good night.

Ice skating. Tiring. Cos very tense. And my hands hurt after ice skating cos the ice is very rough and cold and not very friendly to the hands after I fall and try to get up. Haha. Had dinner with the largest congregation of Singaporean I've been in for a long long time. And it was planned on the day if I'm not wrong. Amazing. And quite surprised to see Ivan, the Rwinds flutist with long hair. Remember during the pirates time, he was persuading me to not take Astar. Oh well..

La Jolla Symphony concert. I haven't heard such a big sound and such instrumentation for ages. They had 3 harps, a celesta which I couldn't hear, alto flute, cor anglais, bass clar, tubas.. Wow. Acoustics are not very good but the pieces are good. Very good compositions.

Sometimes, trying to 向人交代 helps me to 向自己交代. Talked to mummy for 40min helped me to get my perspectives straight.. I'll wait 2 weeks, if I can't get anything done, I'm looking again.

Ok, I'm braindead, talking cock.. night.. will work on this Jesus and Roman values essay tomorrow.

Flowering

Keeping busy with non-academic stuff.. Gives me good excuses to break from thinking about my essay, an essay which I should really start writing something.

Paradigm paralysis
A paradigm is a model or a pattern. It's a shared set of assumptions that have to do with how we perceive the world. Paradigms are very helpful because they allow us to develop expectations about what will probably occur based on these assumptions. But when data falls outside our paradigm, we find it hard to see and accept. This is called the PARADIGM EFFECT. And when the paradigm effect is so strong that we are prevented from actually seeing what is under our very noses,we are said to be suffering from paradigm paralysis.

Which is what I said in my previous post about expectations imposed by society, people around me, myself. Do I need to look and ask if I am trapped by these expectations and "logical steps to take next"? Lots of questions with no answers sort of defines me now. The spontaneous meeting with the bunch of seniors today helped a lot..

Honours banquet. Socialising. Pretty fun actually. I still don't know how they assign the seatings. I was talking to this Singaporean guy who told me he is taking 2 yrs off school in June cos he has to go back for NS. I sat at table with Perrin! And he actually remembered me, even though I've only went to his OH once. He knows my name, my grade and that I went to his OH before.. Impressive. He made my day actually by sticking around and talking to me. Haha. Dinner conversation was on environment, hybrid cars, "fossil" fuels (Dr Penner was arguing that fuels are not made from organic matter but from CO2 and H2O and my ochem prof obviously didn't buy that), weather.. yeah that sort of stuff. That's what happens at a Revelle intellectual social gathering.

That bubble in the Muir parking lot houses a spectrometer. It was supposed to go into NSB but there was something wrong with the measurement or sth, so it can't go in. So it's going to be temporarily placed in the parking lot, taking up precious parking space, for 10 years.
Oh and of course, Perrin told me I should take 140C.

I need time to straighten things out. I need advisors.

I found an organ in school! But it's not anywhere where I have free access to.

Hum doesn't have a more correct or more wrong answer. Everything seems to depend on how you argue it. Feel so sophist.

Mores maiorum. Was that the basis of my decisions? That's a terrible criterion.

Talked to niwa. Answer was not any time soon, until you're ready. I'm seriously considering looking somewhere else, at somewhere where I can learn more stuff. But kl is right, since I'm there, might as well talk to people more, network more, get ideas from people

I wonder how much of what I do is doing for my own sake and how much is so that it meets the expectations of others. Follow your own interest.. Can I trust myself to know what I'm doing? Why have I delayed the answering of all these questions till now?
In the meantime, keeping myself busy.

Wow, I got a bubble. Now I'm going to insensitise touch receptors of more fingers.

Election Day. Nope, not General Elections. It's a play that I watched recently. First play I've watched here. First play I've watched in ages actually. They are really pro. Everything in college is pro. Pro musical, pro concerts, pro plays. We couldn't believe that it's UCSD cos the majority of the cast is black. Not being colour biased, but it's not often you see so many blacks together. And they're really good. Play included smoking, partial nudity, all sorts of fondling each other.. Plot included burning up cars using home-made petrol bombs and having sex with the mayoral candidate.. And the play's choked full of ironies.. Enjoyed it a lot. The playwright is supposed to come talk about this play, hope he comes.

Baseball game. Another first. Never watched baseball properly before even on TV. Went to a real game. The stadium is very spectacular. If it wasn't so dark, I would have taken photos. Witnessed some amazing stuff, like a home run.. and tauntings and a catfight. And the efficiency/ fairness/ effectiveness of the security. I brought an opened bottle of water in and a friend brought in a lighter. And wow, there are nice people in the world, really really nice people. Will elaborate on this some other day.

I realise I'm wasting my time and I don't have a lot of time to waste. Need to get some thinking about my undergrad life done. Need the right mood to do it though. I'm turning into a huge procrastinator. sian. I'm in a mess. I'm rotting away.