I'm running on adrenaline.. Not good. Or maybe it's cortisol, doesn't matter, just not good. Too much free sugar flowing.

Packing and moving are depressing things to do. Leaving one place of settlement for another is a major change, even if i'm using the same bed, same table, same everything.. If it wasn't because I've got tons to do and that there's some house-trashing party later, I would have sunken into depression. Especially with the recent depressing events in lab. Just wait till the adrenaline from exams fall off, when everyone leaves, when life's supposed to go back normal.. I don't know what will happen. P asked me today why I'm going for a holiday. She thinks I'm leaving to take a break from what happened in lab. I told her no. Why am I so defensive? I need to take a break, I need to find something to do, something to distract me from the end of year glooms, something else to worry about than what should I do in a boring house on a boring night. 5 days is pretty short but I hope it's enough, and I pray hard that it won't ruin the relationship btw me and my future housemate. I have a tendency to ruin relationships with roommates on trips.

Moral of story (let's hope the story has ended)
1. Check everything that I'm told, make sure I know as much as the teller knows, stop depending on faith
2. Don't do anything that looks secretive, no secrets, people are too paranoid
3. Join all the cliques, be good friends with ALL, I don't want to be dragged into politics, I'm just an undergrad who has been here for only 3 mths.
4. Learn to talk smoothly. Man I really wished I was some smooth talker yesterday, sweet talk people. I need that skill. The problem with being a good kid when I'm young is that I don't have much experience in trying to sweet talk myself out of trouble.. Never knew what to do under such situations. And people are forcing me to do something.. Aargh!
5. Talk more. If P wasn't so vocal, she would never figure out what we were doing. If I had talked more, these dumb things wouldn't have happened.
6. Grow up. I'm not a kid any more. I can't pretend to be a kid any more. People are putting me in a very difficult spot. Dragging me here and there to talk privately. I need to be an existent, take charge of my life
7. Be an existent! Be myself. Stop being so aware of myself and differences btw me and others. Stop trying so hard to blend in. I'll never blend in totally, should just be different, be individual. Mill says geniuses are the most individual people. So did Nietzsche. I should strive to be a genius, right?
8. Stick with my philosophy. Things are what they are. What's done can't be undone. No one's going to pretend it didn't happen (even though they act like that), live with it. Make the best out of it. End of story.
I'm really glad R is on holiday right now. Don't want to be dealing with another person. So jiayou jiayou, try to get clones before he comes back. =)

That's way too much typing for one post.