why can't i have fun? Every time after I truly enjoy myself, I'll end up in some deep dark depression state.. Some sort of inertia thing, the hyper state has too much energy, when i drop from that state back to the normal state, change of momentum is too big, end up hyperpolarising.. wish i could draw the graph here. so, have to keep myself busy to distract myself from myself. think it's a kind of psychological disorder. I hate it. Do I survive on dreams? QQ asked me once, I hope not. Think when I'm in this sort of bottom of the valley state not even dreams can pull me out... Need something to excite me, let me look forward to something.. don't know what will happen after prelims, after As when there's suddenly nothing to do, and don't know waht will happen if I really go overseas to study and leave behind everything that's keeping me alive..

Mummy just asked what I want for my birthday, which is still one month away.. sorry to disappoint her, but I don't think she can give me what I want. I need something spiritual, not really anything material. If it's sth material, there must be some meaning to it. I need something that can constantly give me EPSPs, sound like drugs, oh no. Let me phrase it properly, I need something that can give me EPSPs for a long time and no IPSPs. money cant buy happiness but $200 will probably keep me really happy for 4h a mth. I really need a cheaper hobby..