11th Oct 2005

First thing I did at 12.01am, study brain structure. How interesting. Cos I had a Biopsych midterm exam on the day.

A good birthday on the whole. Got plenty of wishings from Singapore friends and 2 paper cards. One of them came in a purple envelope. Haha. Got a UCSD bear from my roommate. She's right, I'll never spend money to buy a UCSD bear for myself. I should just not study any more tonight, even though I should get my Chem done and Linguistics read. I'll just wake up freakily early tmr. Back to 11Oct. Went to Warren, and picked up leaves again. The Warren leaves are just so much fresher than the Revelle ones. So I picked up beautiful red leaves on my birthday. Psyc exam was fine, left feeling like how i felt after my music theory exam, which isn't exactly a good thing, considering how careless I was on my theory exam. Went BJs with suitemates and guys upstairs to dinner. Waited forever forever for the bus, and even longer (an hr +) for them to get us seats and serve us.. Food was fine, dessert was good, but still think that the kookie pie thing was better. So no cake no candles, just ice cream with cookies. That'll do too. Walked back to school in the cold. Not very cold but cold enough to make me shiver. Anyway all these are not the main points of my post..

I need some plan in my life. Plan for my undergrad life, plan for the future. I feel like time and opportunities are just slipping away cos I'm not ready for stuff. What are my goals? What should I have done before the end of my undergrad? I can only be an undergrad once.. Now's the only time I can be a blur freshie and ask anyone innocently any stupid question under the sun and not be thought of as a dumbo. Should I be focusing on what I'm supposed to do in the future? Or should I continue exploring different fields? There are so many things i want to do.. would I get to do them? Am I planning too much, should I just shun qi zi ran?

Things which I really want to do:
1. comm service that doesn't really have to do w old pple
2. play something! bass, piano, whatever, just play something
3. go traveling.. san diego, cali, everywhere.. i haven't even checked if there're cows in the zoo
4. basically do sth useful besides studying n sleeping

Scholarship boards are usually very accurate in choosing who they want to give the scholarship to.. so they must have seen something in me. I wonder what. Scholars I know are all exceedingly smart, if that's possible, at least those of my batch and seniors here. Reading the mails batchmates send to each other makes me wonder what am I doing here amongst the brilliance. Only excuse I can find is that I'm on a quarter system and haven't reached whatever they're discussing yet. Everyone, all the geniuses, is struggling under the heavy loads. I wonder what I'm doing here, blogging every day, spending at least half an hour every day on skype or phone or MSN conversations. Is my head too big for my own good or I'm just taking a extremely light load?

Med sch. Do I really not want to be a doctor? Is this whole "I shouldn't be a doc cos I'm not committed to it" just my excuse for not taking the whole heavy course and not daring to take the great adventure and selfishness of not wanting to help people? Am I going into research purely because of what the govt has been drilling into my head and the opportunity has just laid itself in front of me? What would I be doing if I had left after Os? What would I be doing if I've thought abt being a doc? Would I be in NUS looking at dead bodies now? What would I be doing if I didn't get this scholarship? Would I be here? What is it that really suits me? Should I even bother to find answers to these questions or should I just take the path that has been planned for me?

One good thing abt being in this campus.. think i've mentioned this before, I walk alone a lot.. Gives me time to think, to reflect, to laugh at myself and kick myself for being dumb. Some things I've discovered abt myself.. I must shop alone to buy something.. I'll buy sth that I like almost immed after I see it if I know I'm not likely to see it again.. Walking alone also gave me freedom to go to places that my friends havn't been to.. and they're always surprised that I know the way. Open ur eyes people, notice what's around u.. Went to Warren today. Spent 10 Dining points on birthday cards.. I'm so grateful to those pple whom I'm sending bday cards to, cos they gave me a chance to use my Dining points. Today is the 3rd continuous day when I didn't eat at my own dining hall. Donated 6pts away on Monday to Katrina victims and I still have 20 more pts than what I ought to have now.

Wish I could get out of campus more.. Currently don't dare to wander off beyond where I know, which is very limited, alone.. So I have to find pple who are willing to get lost with me.. There are such people, but i think they agreed only cos they don't know exactly how lost we might get.

Will do my socialising on friday. Need to make a presentation on Mon for my communications class. I'm going to talk abt blogs.

1 last question to myself. Would I be blogging the same way if I don't know who's reading?